If Friends Was Set in SF →

Originally published in The Bold Italic

A good portion of my friends spent New Year’s Day cozily hungover and binge watching Friends, which recently made its Netflix debut. To be fair we all needed some relief after the pre Christmas Black Mirror binge (that poor pig!) but rewatching Friends has given me some new perspective. Living in SF means many of us can identify with the whole “your job’s a joke you’re broke” bit, but what would it be like if the show took place in this city rather than New York?

All six friends would live in the same apartment

There’d be two bedrooms, one converted living room, and three additional housemates that weren’t really Friends, per se, and were more like Acquaintances.

Phoebe would rule the Haight St. buskers

Bonus: there would be several actual smelly cats at each performance. She’d write a follow up song entitled “Dog with a Leash Made Out of Rope.” This episode would feature special guest Margaret Cho.

Chandler and Joey could finally resolve their sexual tension

They’d pivot into a lovely apartment in the Castro and wear their matching man bracelets without shame. Could they be more adorable?

Ross’s ex wife would still be a lesbian

But he’d be less fucking obtuse about it.

Monica would work in a food truck

This episode would be called “The One With the Bacon Wrapped Kimchi.”

They’d still creep on Ugly Naked Guy across the air shaft

But either a) his name would be changed to Ugly Naked Guy and His Friend With The Dog Mask and The Whip or b) someone would get in trouble for “slut shaming” him.

The coffee shop would be called Golden Gate Perk

And would likely have a Laundromat in the back where you could also buy weed.

Rachel would get more shit for ignoring her baby the whole last season

She would be encouraged to buy a fashionable sling or invest in an Urban Sitter or out of work state college grad to watch the kid for her.

In lieu of a public fountain the gang would have to put their living room set somewhere else

Maybe cram it into a parklet *clap clap clap*

Joey would still be a struggling actor

After years of trying out indie improv groups or Fisherman’s Wharf dinner theater he’d eventually get fed up and move to LA, as so many of our Friends before us have.

It wouldn’t be a big deal that Chandler saw Rachel’s boobs

He’d already have seen them on Halloween, and during the Pride Parade, Bay to Breakers, and Burning Man Decompression.

The Prom Video would be on YouTube

Ross’s secret would be accidentally revealed when Monica unknowingly shared it on Throwback Thursday.

My Husband Wants To See Other Women - Should I Let Him Out Of This Wicker Cage? →

Originally published in Reductress

My husband Rodney and I have been happily married for a little over seven years so you can imagine the shock I felt when he asked if we could open our relationship so he could see other women. And by “asked” I mean he slipped a small handwritten note through the bars of the charming wicker cage I’ve kept him in since our wedding day

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Truth be told, I have my reservations about opening up our marriage. My first fear is, of course, losing him to another relationship, and the second is losing him to the world at large, which he has not had free access to in several years.

When Rodney expressed his interest in other women, I felt sadness that our romance had waned. I also felt confusion as to how he had found a pen and writing paper since I only allow a daily serving of chicken bones and potato skins to slip through the cage’s feeding hole.

I guess I should have seen something like this coming—I’d always heard about the seven-year itch. But before now I just thought that itch was just caused by his naked body constantly chafing against the hard wicker restraints I’d so carefully crafted in anticipation of our union! How could I have been so blind?

I tried to discuss the matter with Rodney during his monthly recreation period. “Rodney, when we got married we said for better or for worst,” I said as he ran around as he always does, trying to climb the walls of the oubliette. I told him I feel like I’m putting in more effort here than he gives me credit for, to which he responded “LET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU WITCH!” You know, how it is. It’s so hard to get through to men.

The more I thought of it the more I realized that, as much as it pained me, it might do our marriage good to open things up a little. If you love something, set it free, right?

So after a long talk (I cried a little, Rodney said “NO! NO! RELEASE ME, PLEASE!”), we decided that my husband is free to see other women as long as I have gone out, captured them and placed them in an adjacent wicker cage. I explained to my hubby that it may take a little while to get used to this arrangement, and some time to venture to a nearby village and find a lady to capture, but what it’s that kind of attentive care that makes love…love!